Day 35 - Self-sacrifice to protect my kids

When I started rummaging around in the blue laundry cupboard, looking for children’s birthday party stuff, I had no idea that I’d end up crying for the loss that my children have in their lives. Such is the beauty of Clearing the Crap.

I found the box of party poppers, balloons, streamers and crappy toys to put in kid’s party bags and decided to clear out that blue laundry cupboard. Surprisingly, it was really easy to throw away items that I was not using any more. I’m not sure whether it was the nature of the crap stored in that cupboard, or whether now, after a month of crap clearing, I’ve just become good at it!

 

Initially no thoughts were coming to me while sorting and cleaning. Perhaps I was just too distracted by the craziness going on in the back yard. Periodically I had to moderate the children’s use of the hose and trampoline (not a good combination). So I set them to work cleaning a plastic tarp I still had lying around from constructing a drain... which they promptly turned into one of those plastic-water-slippery-dip-thingies and were having a wow of a time.

Back to clearing crap from my laundry cupboard and I started thinking about next weekend.

I was trying to work out how to manage activities next Saturday. I would like to continue having a stall at our local monthly country market, but the soccer season has now started and that takes up a couple of hours on a Saturday morning.

Due to the early morning start at the market, I could ask if any soccer parents could have my son for a sleep over the night before, and look after him for half the day, save dropping him off at 5am on the way to the market. But I feel like it’s such an imposition on the two families, who I am very close with and rely on at other times to help care for my kids, and I don’t know the other soccer families well enough.

What to do??

I had received an email from my ex-husband saying; "We're probably due for another afternoon of games & movies here. Does next Saturday suit?" I thought:

 

We are NOT "due" for a visit -

there is no regular visitation schedule.

And visits must still be supervised.

Games and movies is NOT my preferred activity

for them for hours and hours on end,

which is what always happens when they are there.

　
　

Then I thought about my dilemma with juggling the market and soccer. They can go to their Dad....

 

How nice would that be?

How easy would that make my life?

I could possibly even HAVE A LIFE,

if they were to spend time with their father.

 

But that would be sacrificing my integrity and the safety of the children.

I’ll just have to give the market a miss.

My business & income earning potential, my leisure activities, MY LIFE will just have to remain on hold. I continue to sacrifice myself in honour of the doubt I still hold over the capacity of the children’s father to care appropriately for them, based on his behavioural history (Now that’s a big one that I will most likely not tackle here).

It rips my heart open every day knowing that my children do not have a dad who is there for them. This is NOT what I wanted for them. This is NOT what I wanted for me. This has shattered every dream for the future that I ever held for my family and myself.

I have struggled with this for over four years and just when I think I have cleared all the emotional crap associated with the pain of this situation, interaction with him can reignite anger, resentment, fear, worry, sadness....

What I do acknowledge, is how quickly I am now able to process these destructive emotions and relieve the pain they cause. I simply follow various strategies that I have in my healing repertoire.

I have finally found the answer to that old cliche: "Things happen for a reason" with regard to the end of my marriage. (See Thank you for leaving me, it led me to discover who I really am.) But I wonder about the reason for this happening to the children.

I have learnt that our souls choose the life path that lies before them, in order to learn or reinforce a certain lesson. I wonder what lesson my children will come away with from this. When they do the work to process and release all the emotions associated with how they are treated by their father, then they will know, and only they can discover that lesson.

If you are

• dealing with separation
• have concerns over the safety of your children
• struggle with managing what you have to get through in your day
• basically, have a lot of CRAP to deal with

Please know that there are ways to get through it. I have strategies to help you find the right answers within yourself, as you have an inherent knowing of the best way to move forward. I can help you to learn to trust your internal guidance system.

So... Bring out the party poppers and balloons... it’s time to celebrate:

Celebrate

    The sacrifices we make for our children

Celebrate

    The joy of slip-sliding around on a wet plastic mat

Celebrate

    The challenges we face in life and the lessons we learn from it

Celebrate

    Knowing we have the answers within - be brave enough to go searching for them
Celebrate

    And the amazing revelations you find inside blue laundry cupboards!

Crap Cleared: Pile of crap from the laundry

Day 35 observations:

• It’s getting easier to de-clutter my home, but I feel I may be repeating the identification of emotional issues. If so, I need to do more work on clearing those big issues.
• I will not sacrifice my integrity and the safety of the children